Right or wrong decisions… who would know?

So damn down and out.  Exhausted and feeling sick so I can’t eat or should I say I couldn’t eat until my sister delivered chocolate and fish and chips… On tenterhooks waiting for the other shoe to fall.

Ma was so bright this morning.  After lengthy talks yesterday she was convinced she’d be okay and wanted me to go to work.  She told me I was taking her confidence away by not believing in her.  I knew I had respite coming for an hour and the house cleaner as well so put my sister on notice in case she was needed.  The first couple of hours she went well.  By 11am when the cleaner and carer were there she started to slip into paranoia and hallucinations.

I then asked my sister to go and sit with her at 1pm after everyone had left.  I couldn’t ring her until after I’d eaten, feeling like I’d throw up if I did.  I arrived home and found her accusing me of something I said, that she couldn’t remember.  I rang the Dr again who said he’d ring the hospital to talk to the geriatrician.

When he rings back he tells me he can book Ma in for an assessment at the hospital which could take 3-4 days. WT? I’m thrown into a quandary of what should I do? I know that putting her into hospital will make her worse but I also know I need to find out what’s going on.  I’m now waiting to find out how she will be admitted.  I haven’t told her as in her fragile state I don’t know how she’ll react.  I rang the National Dementia Helpline who advised me not to give too much lead time into changes such as going to the hospital… great…  I now feel like I’m betraying her by keeping this from her and hope she’ll forgive me.  I’m beginning to feel that once she leaves her house, she’s never going to go back.  Her house, once her home, now makes her uncomfortable and unhappy.  She wants to escape and go somewhere else… not that she can tell me where.

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